These have been going around the Internet for years, but I thought them worth reprising.The ‘editorial’ comments are attributed to the original poster of these.
And, they help fill this too-long-vacant space for this week, while I revive my too-long-vacant brain to get back into Work Mode.
For your amusement…enjoy!
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
That couldn’t have been easy!
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No crap…. really?
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that’s taking things a bit far!
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing, lazy so-and-so’s!
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren’t they fat enough?!
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That’s what he gets for eating those beans!
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
And the winner is…
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
(The rest of these I found while trying the locate the source for the above. They’re reprinted here from the site of Bob Brooks at Texas A&M University, and do list the original headlines’ source):
Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link
Cornell Daily Sun, December 7, 1995
Whatever Their motives, Moms Who Kill Kids still Shock Us
Holland Sentinal, date unknown.
Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut
The New York Times, November 22
Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find
The Los Angeles Times, November 2
‘Light’ meals are lower in fat, calories
Huntington Herald-Dispatch, November 30
Alcohol ads promote drinking
The Hartford Courant, November 18
Malls try to attract shoppers
The Baltimore Sun, October 22
Official: Only rain will cure drought
The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts
Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men
The Sunday Oregonian, September 24
Low Wages Said Key to Poverty
Newsday, July 11
Man shoots neighbor with machete
The Miami Herald, July 3
Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes
The Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virginia, March 30
Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows
The New York Times, March 10
Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies
The Los Angeles Times, March 2
Scientists see quakes in L.A. future
The Oregonian, January 28
Wachtler tells graduates that life in jail is demeaning
The Buffalo News, February 26
Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold
Lexington Herald-Leader, January 26
Prosecution paints O.J. as a wife-killer
Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel, January 25
Economist uses theory to explain economy
Collinsville Herald-Journal, February 8
Bible church’s focus is the Bible
Saint Augustine Record, Florida, December 3, 1994
Clinton pledges restraint in use of nuclear weapons
Cedar Rapids Gazette, April 6
Discoveries: Older blacks have edge in longevity
The Chicago Tribune, March 5
Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear
Journal of Commerce, April 20
Biting nails can be sign of tenseness in a person
The Daily Gazette of Schenectady, New York, May 2
Lack of brains hinders research
The Columbus Dispatch, April 16
How we feel about ourselves is the core of self-esteem, says author
Boulder, Colorado, Sunday Camera, February 5
Fish lurk in streams
Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle, January 29
Chick Accuses Some of Her Male Colleagues of Sexism
The Los Angeles Times, June 23